Asking boss and co-workers to involve me more often

manpreet Best Answer 2 years ago

First, the context:

• I work in a small company (~12 people) where almost everyone works together for more than 10 years (some for more almost 20 years) and I'm by far the youngest person. I work there almost 2 years.
• Everyone is Dutch except for me and I don't speak the language well.
• I have the job title of "Manager of R&D".
• I have a tendency to feel unliked and neglected.

The problems:

• Since the beginning and in several occasions I was not involved in important decisions or meetings with customers and I feel that I could have had the chance to give my technical opinion or, at least, learn by listening and interacting with people from different backgrounds. Not only I feel bad because it seems like my co-workers do not care or do not trust me, but I am also missing many chances to learn and improve myself. Even recently, I was not informed or invited about a meeting with a very important client where I believe that me (as the Manager of R&D) should have been present.
• Every year we choose a few conferences to go to. I am never invited to go to those conference.
• While everyone in the office is nice to me, there is not a very strong connection or intereaction. Very often there are discussions about topics unrelated to work, or even interesting things about work discussed among all, and all those discussions are in Dutch. I feel really isolated because everyone is laughing and having fun and I just have to keep working.

While it seems to me that I am right, I also wonder if I'm giving too much value to minor things. It may be that my boss of my colleagues thought that I had more important things to do, or it can be seen as an optimization of resources... but on the other hand it seems to happen to often that my colleagues and boss do not value my opinion and do not respect me. I also feel very isolated in social terms.

My question is: should I express and explain my concerns to my colleagues? If yes, what is the best way to do it and avoiding looking like an extremely insecure and delusional person? If not, what actions should I try to implement to overcome this feeling and situations?

manpreet 2 years ago

If everyone else has been working together for the past 10 years and you've only been there for 2 years, to some extent it's normal that they're reacting that way. They don't know you as well as they know each other. However, you have a very valid point that this shouldn't damage your career.

I see a few possibilities here:

1) It's all just a cultural difference and they just don't know you as well as they know each other. In that case, try to make small talk when appropriate, ask them for feedback and then discuss it, etc. Work on your Dutch as well, so you can more easily jump into existing conversations. (I know it can be challenging, I've heard that Dutch people will immediately switch to perfect English if they see that you're not speaking Dutch perfectly. Keep trying!)

2) You just can't fit into that team's mentality. I've been in such a team. The way I found out was by trying to start some small talk and ending up literally disgusted by an otherwise nonchalant answer. In that case, it depends on how much of your own character you're willing to compromise in order to fit in, or how easy it would be for you to move to another job.

In the meantime, try to weed out those opportunities when you actually can complain and talk to them. For instance, if you weren't invited to a meeting where your contribution would have been significant, you can find out who organised it and say "why was I not invited to that meeting? I think my opinion would have been valuable". About the conferences, find out who is responsible for inviting people, express your interest and inquire future eligibility etc. What if you never expressed interest so they just thought you don't want them?