At new job coworker acts aggressively as a joke

manpreet Best Answer 2 years ago

I started a new job at a call center recently. The office is quite large and the company itself has about 50,000 employees. There's one guy I sit close to who is making me uncomfortable and distracting me from work. He does things such as

• makes funny faces at people
• stands up and jumps around the area in a very animated way, doing exercises and large stretches. He started to shadow box and throw punches at the air too.
• one time he reached out to shake my hand and when we did he didn't let go and started to pull me along on the chair I was sitting on
• jokingly act aggressively, for example speaking to another person he said "fight me!" or purposefully walks into people.

It seems he thinks he's being funny. He always does this with a smile on his face and laughs afterward, and at least some people smile/laugh back.

What should I do? I see my options are

1. ignore him
2. speak with him directly
3. complain to the manager
4. complain to HR
5. act aggressively back to him (I'm not seriously considering this one)

I'm not a huge fan of 1. as each time I look at him he's trying to get a reaction out of me and where we're sitting it's hard not to make the occasional glance.

Being new I'm not very knowledgeable about the corporate structure and don't have any contacts. I know who the managers are, and I could look up on the company internal wiki for an HR contact.

What exact wording should I use in this situation? It's hard to describe exactly how he's acting but he clearly is doing it on purpose. I don't know his name but next time he locks his computer I can read what's on the screen.

Being new I don't want to cause waves. He does these things in front of everyone and they seem ok with it. On the other hand, if the company does tolerate this kind of behavior I'm not interested in staying with the company anyway. I fear if I "wait to see if he stops it by himself" I will hesitate to do anything latter, knowing myself this could happen. The guy is in his late 20s.

I'm really looking for specific phrases I could use, for example "I know you're joking but do you think you can bring it down a notch with these sorts of things?" or what I should say in an email to HR.

UPDATE: I told him off once and he didn't do it around me again.

manpreet 2 years ago

I would suggest that you talk to him, but not in the ways that have been previously suggested. Do not go to him with a whole list of his past behaviors that you didn't like and run through them all. Do not give him a whole paragraph of reasons. This is going to make him defensive and unwilling to change, or will let him think that reasons are things that can be argued against. It also proves to him that he has been bothering you, which might be his intention.

Decide which of these behaviors are the most problematic, and the next time he does something, in the moment ask him if he could not do that again. This makes the conversation less of an attack on him as a person/something you've been stewing over, and more of a "hey I just noticed right now that I didn't like this one thing, so would you mind not doing it?" situation - one that is much lower stakes for both of you. Yes we're planning this out right now, but you want it to seen unpremeditated.

If it were me, I would say that making faces and exercising vigorously are a bit odd, but within his rights to do at his own desk. I'd just work on keeping him out of my eyeline/depth of focus and make my face as bored as possible if I do see him and he sees that I've seen him. The look we're going for is complete and utter disinterest. If a shadowboxing bout was going on for a particularly long time, right in front of you and really affecting your ability to focus, that is a moment in which you might calmly ask him to exercise somewhere else this time, not making it about his entire habit, just that one instance. "Would you mind taking the boxing to the break room this time?"

Anything that involves physical contact is where I would draw a hard boundary. If he ever does something like the handshake/unwanted physical contact again, that is when to say, "please don't do that" or, "please don't touch me." Say it as calmly and seriously as possible. It should be clear that this is not a point that is up for argument. The purposely walking into people is so weird that I might ask him, "did you just purposely walk into me?" Followed by another, "please don't do that to me." Just because you did not set this boundary the first time he shook your hand/bumped into you does not mean that you aren't allowed to set it now or at any future time.

The "fight me!" talk is probably what he considers to be a joke, but can also be responded to in the moment with a very calm, disinterested response like "I don't think that would be a good idea" or "what a weird thing to say."

Hopefully, when he realizes that his actions are not having the intended result (which I imagine could be getting a rise out of you/others, rather than getting a cold "please stop") then he will change his behaviors around you. Maybe he will view you as "not fun" because you don't like his "jokes." That's fine, as long as he adjusts his behavior around you. There are worse things in the world than being considered un-fun by someone whose actions feel like bullying to you, one of which is being bullied.

However, there is a real chance that he will not change. This is why it might unfortunately also be necessary to also make a note of the times you have asked him to stop various behaviors, so that if he doesn't stop, you can take that to a manager. In this case, I would focus on requests that he not touch you or make blatantly belligerent comments. Making faces and exercising vigorously are weird but not really directly confrontational, and might seem like petty grievances to a manager. "Did not respect my request(s) to stop touching me" is something that any manager should take seriously, though.