Is HR protecting a bully and what should I do about it? [closed]

manpreet Best Answer 2 years ago

I am working in a small company. I met a man there and we started a relationship. We worked in the same position but in different teams. The relationship started smoothly but after three months he began to criticize me about work.

Example:

• Your assignment is useless.
• You and your boss should stop doing that project.
• You cannot manage your time and workload.
• You don't know, that's the right answer. (When he asked me to explain about the research I was doing. He repeatedly asked the same question until I snapped saying that I don't know and it's still an assumption.)
• New assignment? Let her(me) do it. She likes hard work.
• They (my bosses) are taking advantage of you.

And the most painful that causes me a C-PTSD;

• Try harder. But you will fail.

There were other comments but they weren't work-related.

I hardly said anything back simply because I thought fighting was troublesome. I just ignored his comments, except sometimes I told him that a job was a job. I am hard-working and I am proud of my working ability. No one, including, my bosses ever criticize my work. I felt very depressed.

When I was fed up, I told him he shouldn't say those things to me, personal matters or work-related. He said he was just kidding and no one would get angry over these comments. He said I was too serious and too sensitive, too childish. He said I had no experience of a real world.

Of course, we broke up. But I was forced to believe that everything about being nice was wrong. That I had to endure bitter comments to be a grown-up. He never apologised and blamed me for not dropping my attitude.

I sought help from a HR manager. I told her the situation. She promised she would warn my ex but there was no punishment or anything. He still sat beside me, talked to me as if there was nothing happen except that he kept his comments to himself.

I had flashbacks and panic attacks at work but I endured. I just went for a walk if I couldn't sit there. I eventually sought professional help. When I asked the HR manager if I could tell my boss (about taking a break and going to hospital), she said she would tell my boss for me. But she never did.

I am confused. I'm sure what I experienced is workplace bullying. Or was it just my personal issue. Did the HR person stop me from reporting the incidents?

I knew she didn't want to lose an employee. But what should we do in this kind of situation, then? Would it be not so professional, if I just reported it to my boss.

Edit: I just want to update. Thanks everyone who suggested talking with the HR again. I talked to her that I'd tell my boss about the leave and work schedule. This time, I was surprised that she said I could tell him my situation.

So I talked to my boss. He's heard about the impolite remarks for sometimes. The managers are dealing with it. He didn't know that I had been targeted too. He told me I should report to him sooner because those comments weren't good things to throw around the office. Every team and every project is eqaully important. If someone else has any complaint about any project, tell them to talk directly to the managers. He apologised and said it's ok to take sick leave to go to the hospital. He didn't notice that my performance had dropped due to stress. And we discussed how I could work with no contact with my ex. I said I could handle work-related conversation. Finally he thanked me for not leaving.

I was lucky that my boss understood. My problem was gone now although I still have to go to the therapy. Maybe talking isn't an option for the other companies. It works for mine. If you encountered the same problem and you wanted to talk, please take many advices below that you need to do it calmly.

manpreet 2 years ago

One of ten thousand stories about why you shouldn't date who you work with.

If he's not teasing you, there's little HR can do. If you are having "flashbacks" because of things in the past, that's your issue. It's not his, and it's not HR's. From what you said, the behavior you wanted stopped has stopped.

I don't understand why you feel there should have been some sort of punishment. HR is not a court. They are there to manage the staff for the employer. You had a problem, they addressed it, and by your own admission, the problem stopped. They have done their job.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. It shows you understand you need some help in dealing with this situation. If you truly do have PTSD, then there was a lot more in your personal relationship than you've conveyed, here. If you are just throwing that term out there to make your plight seem more than it is, I'd encourage you to stop. I have several people in my family who have been diagnosed with PTSD: Soldiers and paramedics who have both seen people they knew as friends in more pieces than they were supposed to be. It's not anything to dismiss or to use flippantly.

The only other choice I see for you is to try to find another position in the company where you work separately from your ex.