Should I bring up traumatic memory associated with a coworker?

manpreet Best Answer 2 years ago

I work for a very large health insurance and health service provider. One day at work, I walked past a woman who works in the department across from mine. I know her from my past and started having awful flashbacks and panic attacks.

About 10 years ago, when I was 17 or 18, this woman's boyfriend sexually assaulted me after a party, and then she punched me repeatedly. My recollection of the incident is vague as I was going in and out of consciousness. The next day, she and her friends repeatedly called me names.

The whole experience was traumatizing for me, and I was so upset and ashamed of what happened that I did not call the police. I didn't see her again for a few years. When I did see her, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to bring up this horrible memory, and it had been too long for me to do anything about it. I had a career and children by then, which I couldn't jeopardize for an old revenge.

I now see her at work, and each time I see her telling her friends about me while pointing at me. I cannot work knowing she is in the same building, and having to relive the traumatic memory every time I run into her. I spent the entire rest of the day reliving the memory, regretting that I did not call the police, and being so anxious I was sick to my stomach, jittery and feeling useless. I feel like I shouldn't have to work in those conditions.

I know the incident occurred 10 years ago, before either of us worked for this company, but I cannot forget that she assaulted me and then harassed me about it. I also don't want to spread this story at work.

I was thinking about asking HR if they could transfer her away from me. They have done this in the past when they hired a guy who turned out to be an employee's ex-husband. I am hesitant to bring this up to my boss because it's embarrassing and I also don't like involving my personal life with my work.

I want to know if bringing this up will achieve anything. Can my company help me, or am I just stuck having to relive these memories every time I see her?

manpreet 2 years ago

I find many of the answers listed here troubling as the advice is fairly poor and generally lacking of compassion.

I too was the victim of an assault around the same age (though mine only included physical violence). At a time in my life when I was quite vulnerable, I was befriended by a group of older adults, taken to a href="https://forum.tuteehub.com/tag/party">party and gotten very intoxicated at which point I was falsely accused of something, summarily beaten unconscious by an older man and left with permanent physical scars as a result. I experienced the similar taunting and alienation the morning after the incident and I too refused to go to the Police because of the embarrassment and personal responsibility I accepted for putting myself in the situation.

It's been two decades since the incident and it still enters my mind from time to time. Unless you have been the victim of some physical violence, you really cannot understand the trauma that it puts on a person's mind. My assault was only physical and so I cannot even begin to imagine the intensity that the sexual aspect lends to it.

So I think the first thing that someone needs to say is: The feelings that you are experiencing are absolutely and completely reasonable. Being unexpectedly confronted with this intensely painful event from your past at your place of work is not something you should be forced to deal with. You do have options available to you and you are not powerless - though to the other poster's points - you will need to tread extremely careful so as not to be seen as the aggressor.

Talk to your manager. I cannot disagree more with the poster who said not to do this. If you have a halfway decent relationship with your boss, then describe to him/her your situation without going into any of the detail you listed above. Focus on the facts only - you were the victim of a sexual/physical assault some years ago, a person related to the incident just joined the company, you are having extreme difficulty focusing on your work with them in close proximity. I would strongly recommend keeping the other woman's identity anonymous. Tailor the message around this being a problem with you and this environment. There are a few options available to your manager at this point and most likely he/she will get HR involved (after all this type of situation is exactly why HR exists). As a manager myself I would absolutely want to know if one of my associates was struggling with something like this. Pending this conversation, some possible responses that immediately come to mind:

• Work From Home - We live in virtualized workplace and if you are in the medical/insurance industry (hey, me too!), it is not at all unreasonable to see if you can try to minimize how much physical time you need to spend in the office. The lifestyle is not for everyone but this would remove you from the immediate point of conflict.
• Transfer/Relocation - Does your office have more than one location? If so you could possibly work out a transfer to a different department or perhaps your boss would be willing to let you work remotely from another site?
• Counseling Services - I'm not sure who specifically you work for but most medical/insurance companies are networked fairly well and so your company might offer you free counseling to help you try and work through some of the raw emotions that this reconnection has triggered.
• Severance/Leave to find new employment - If the company is unable to accommodate you (something for which you must be prepared) and you cannot stand to continue in that environment (I certainly could not), then a good manager will do all they can to ease your transition. Companies, at least in the US, commonly have small severance packages for professionals who are terminated. If you are in good standing at your company and act in good faith with this dilemma, I could see this being an option where your boss tries to do the right thingif they cannot directly accommodate your situation. I should stress.. do not ask for this directlybut be aware that it is something that may be offered.

Again, I want to stress... unless the other woman begins harassing you (and be careful here - the human mind can attribute harmless gestures as simple eye contact as an attack) I would resist all temptations to identify her in any way. This issue is best approached as a problem with you and the environment. If you present the issue as a dilemma you are struggling with and looking for help rather than as a confrontation that the company must solve, I really believe that you are going to be met with compassion and understanding rather than with anger or frustration. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.