Distinguishing between abbrasive managment style and bullying - when is it bullying? [closed]

manpreet Best Answer 2 years ago

I've been working for a large company that I got the job through by my school's co-op office. Sometimes my manager can be nice, but often times I feel like he’s mistreats me and acts in a way that is inappropriate. I had taken action to remedy this, and it got better for a while, but now it’s happening again.

I’ve complained to my school’s co-op office about the way my boss speaks to me, and the coordinator said “sometimes you have to work with people you don’t like”. How do you respond to that (for example you could say that about any bully)? I’ve complained to my boss’s manager who told me that my boss grew up in a very different culture. I don't think he realizes how serious the problem is.

I understand there's a fine line between firm management and bullying. How can one be certain they’re being bullied? Is it bullying if it’s unintentional? I fear going to work because I’ll have to talk to him and he is very unpleasant to talk to. He seems to always be mad at me and speak to me in a rude tone. Though some of the things he does I find offensive, like telling me to act mature, they may not really be bullying. The fact that each time I speak with him 2 things like this happen (and involve shouting) it is a problem. Most people know he is difficult to work with and the one other person who saw him spoke to me told me he speaks very offensively. If it's not bullying, then what do you call it?

manpreet 2 years ago

Tricky situation but you are by no means powerless here. You can take charge of the situation and potentially improve it.

1. Whatever happens, stay professional. Regardless of other people getting emotional, you need to stay calm, collected, constructive and communicate to the point at hand. Your emotions need to stay out of it for a bit. Never say a single negative word about your boss!!
2. Clearly communicate to your boss the behavior that you are unhappy as constructively as possible. "I feel uncomfortable if you yell it me. I think we could communicate more effectively in a regular tone of voice ". "I'm uncomfortable if you criticize me in from front of others. I really appreciate your feedback but it would be way more productive if we could do in private" . "please don't make jokes about my race/gender/passport/education, etc.". Do this in a private meeting. Then send a follow up e-mail that says exactly the same thing "as discussed today". Clearly date it and keep a copy.
3. Keep a detailed written record going forward. Make a note whenever your manager goes against your ask. Write down date, occasion and as much detail as you can.
4. Keep also a record of how your boss is behaving towards other people and how other people behave towards you. If he/she never yells at anyone else, write this down as well.
5. Do this for a few weeks. Study you records and see if there are any clear trends and themes in there. If he yells at everyone, but yelling is unusual in the company, than it's a behavioral issue on his side. If you are the only one getting yelled at, this may indeed be bullying. If there is only one incident in three weeks and in happens to everyone, than you may be overthinking this.
6. If there is a friendly or neutral person, that you trust, review the data with them. A second pair of eyes is really helpful here.
7. If the data clearly shows signs of bullying or a significant behavioral problem go to your manager's boss and to HR. A well documented paper trail is a huge red flag and they are unlikely to ignore it since the next person you might talk to is a lawyer. However, you would never ever even hint at taken legal actions, but frame the discussion as "here is what's happening", "here is what I tried", "it's not working and I need the situation to change, how do you suggest we proceed here?"
8. Depending on your relationship with your boss at the time, you may chose to go to him first and review the data with him. This is dicey since in all likelihood she/he will perceive that as a threat (which it is). This makes only sense if there is strong indication that the behavior is largely unintentional and that he/she would change once being aware of it.

Granted this may not make a you lot of friends but since this is a co-op this is probably not the end of the world and if the prevalent company culture is bad (for you), then why would you care? Who knows, perhaps if you can show that you handle the situation way more professionally and constructively than your boss, you might gain some respect and friends as well.

While this currently is a stressful situation, it's actually a great learning opportunity if you are willing to put the effort into it. Conflict is a part of work life and learning to effectively handle it is a great skill to have. "you just need to put with it" is utter non-sense. There are always things you can do. It's your life and you are in charge.